Eugene Vampire Hunter So I guess by now you all know who I am. Eugene the vampire slayer. Ever since the vamps’ lackeys Harris Gray outed me as one of the most amazing slayers in the world, my life has not been the same. You people out there have inundated me with tons of questions. Phone calls, e-mails, texts, Skype, smoke signals, running me off the road. I can’t get any peace. So, I have given in and opened myself up to your questions about the undead, vamps, zombies, the world of finance, relationships. Whatever your query. I will answer. Like the e mail below from a dude in Boise, Idaho. I will not divulge his name. He lives on 8th & Vine.

From:Sent: Tues February 26, 3:38 p.m.To: Eugene TVS [EugeneTVS1@gmail.com]

Subject: Crazy dog lady, & my vampire neighbor


First, I must tell you what a big fan I am of you and your exploits. I am a big, big fan. I have an issue I would like to share & get some advice from you on how to handle it.

I live near a dog park. Let it be known that I like dogs, I have no problem with dogs. I don’t have one myself, but I think a responsible dog owner is welcome in my neighborhood. My issue is that a lot of people with dogs have to pass in front of my house in order to get to the said Dog Park. Most of the people who walk by are keeping to themselves, and are respectful, most. Although, there is one lady who makes it a point to have her dog defecate in my yard whenever she passes by my place. I have placed signs in my yard. KEEP OUT….NO POOPING ZONE. This has not helped. What should I do? Also, I think my neighbor across the street is a vampire. He never comes out until night & is always staring at my neck.

Thanks, and I appreciate the work you do,

S&ev* Jo%es

Well, Mr. ^on$s,

Not exactly my best question, but I have the answers you seek. First, dogs are great to have around. They always know when a Vamp or Vampire-like creature is sulking about. Second, when things get tough and they will. I mean really tough, they are a great source of sustenance. Myself, I have no need or want for mangy mutts. For some reason dogs have never took to me. But I digress.

I would take a direct approach, never assume that the lady is being malicious. Maybe she is just oblivious. A lot of well meaning people don’t have self awareness. It’s a gift that few people have. I have it in spades, but you would be surprised by the amount of clueless, dumb-ass people there are out there. I would meet her at the edge of your yard, but stay in your yard. I can’t stress this enough. Always stay in your yard. Ask her kindly, gently. “Ma’am, I have noticed that your dog makes in my yard. Could you have your dog refrain from making in my yard?” I am sure she will see the error of her ways & have her dog do its business at the park. If not, lodge a complaint with your Covenant Controlled Community. No one wants a covenant violation. As for your neighbor across the street. Take no chances, kill him. Kill him now.

Thanks for the questions, yours,

Eugene > The Vampire Slayer <

Email me your questions, and I’ll reply on this website; the vamp Victor Thetherson isn’t the only one who can stick his hand up inside and make Harris Gray’s lips move.