Edna,

What kind of wacko are you??? I can’t believe this e mail, totally disgusting. Atlantic Salmon is an abomination. Do you realize that those salmon are “farm raised?” Fed & over-fed until they almost burst. They taste horrible. Flat, soggy and tasteless. They add chemically enhanced color to the salmon just to make them look edible. Their nutrition is less than nutritious, having less than 1/3 of the health benefits of a Pacific Northwest or Alaskan Salmon. Alaskan Salmon has 120% of your daily Omega-3’s, that alone should keep you away from Atlantic Salmon. I would rather eat a juicy pen fed young veal, than eat any farmed fish. Meat of any kind is good, & good for you. I could never work with or be around such a buffoon. I would rather hunt you, ala The Hunger Games or Logan’s Run. Only for sport, don’t worry, I would not eat you.

Yours truly,

Eugene V.S.

p.s. Don’t get me started on Tilapia, the poop fish

Problems with vamps are often signs of deeper emotional troubles. Or, they simply need slaying. Let Eugene be the judge, email me.

As you can imagine I’ve been up to my eyeballs after all hell broke loose on the Extreme Makeover set. Who were the marketing geniuses who thought a “Re-Vamp” show would be harmless good fun? Maybe it was a wake-up call, to bump the vamps off the entertainment section and back to the obits where they belong.

Speaking of which, I hear Harris Gray took the hint and moved on to writing about something they know. Or at least, not about vamps. I’m still going to use their site to answer your questions, while I haggle with GoDaddy for my own domain. This one’s from a nice young couple in the wrong line of work.

Timmy,

Sounds nice. Have you thought about taking the train? You should really take the California Zephyr. There is a great little train station in Mt. Pleasant, Iowa. It will take you all the way out to San Francisco. Really a quality, relaxing ride. Super romantic. Your girlfriend will really appreciate the time together & you can truly decide if marriage is right for you. The San Diego Zoo & Sea World are both a MUST see. Stop by Manresa restaurant in Los Gatos just outside San Francisco. Amazing food & atmosphere. It is such a beautiful restaurant & a great place to propose, should you decide she is Ms. Right.

A word to the wise. Don’t call California “Cali”, the locals hate that, almost as much as they despise using “Frisco” instead on San Francisco. Don’t do that, you look like a stooge. Good luck out there & have a splendid trip.

All my best,

Eugene, VS

P.S. Ghost Hunting is for chumps. Don’t get sucked into the hype. Total sham. Except for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. Something not right about those puppets.

Vamps are everywhere, but I can’t be, so email me, I have the answers, like WebMD for everything WebMD doesn’t cover, and some that it does. For instance did you know that vamp saliva is not gluten free? One more reason to hate them.

Eugene the Vampire Slayer here, digging into the mailbag while my garlic mud mask dries. I get lots of compliments on the garlic exuding from my pores, but that’s like a leaky radiator, this should plug those holes.

Meanwhile Gus from Detroit, Michigan has quite a quandary.

Gus,

I feel your pain. With all the foreclosures & abandoned homes our country is a mess. It takes a monstrous effort from all of us to make it better. Good thing is that with the interest rates so low & Fannie Mae willing to work with you, buying & flipping those homes is a great option. I happen to co-own a consulting firm that can help walk you through the process. 1.800.overran. Or slayerinvestments.com. It really is easy, & super practical. With the market the way it is, this country is ripe for these kind of solutions. It’s up to us to get the country back on its financial feet.

Good luck,

Eugene > The Vampire Slayer <

Don’t fall prey, email me on your predator problems, I’ve got the right stake for the job.

Eugene here. Cooling off from my slayer workout and training with he-who-will-not-be-named-until-I-learn-his-name. I see Harris Gray hasn’t packed it in, or upgraded their web security. They have lawyered up; yesterday I received a cease-and-desist letter from LegalZoom-dot-com. I guess this is the part where we stick our hands in each other’s pockets. They should know better than to raise the stakes against a vampire slayer, if you get my meaning.

Your e-mails have been flooding in, a sure sign that the vamp problem is only getting worse. And that you haven’t been reading Dear Abby. This next question is from a lady in Bismarck, ND.

Jean,

Walt is playing you like a 3 dollar fiddle. He knows he can keep you around. Dangle the idea of getting married and keep you around even longer. Confront him, talk to him in very plain terms. “Walt, you know I love you & I know you love me, but we need to make a plan, a date to get married. If we wait for the perfect time, we will never be married.” I am sure that when Walt understands that you are not waiting for the perfect time, moment or finances; That you love him & want to be married; He will come to his senses and make a date, soon. As for the Dominos and the HALO. You are way off base, way off. Did you also mention that he stays out all night? He’s probably a vamp. Since you love him, a stake through the heart is the most painless death. But truly. Kill him, kill him now.

Yours,

Eugene > The Vampire Slayer <

p.s. You mentioned you have been following me for quite some time. Stop.

Got a problem with a vamp? Or your love life, finances, politicians, the undead, etc.? Email me, those that provide teaching moments will be answered here, whether the vamps’ stooges Harris Gray like it or not.

So I guess by now you all know who I am. Eugene the vampire slayer. Ever since the vamps’ lackeys Harris Gray outed me as one of the most amazing slayers in the world, my life has not been the same. You people out there have inundated me with tons of questions. Phone calls, e-mails, texts, Skype, smoke signals, running me off the road. I can’t get any peace. So, I have given in and opened myself up to your questions about the undead, vamps, zombies, the world of finance, relationships. Whatever your query. I will answer. Like the e mail below from a dude in Boise, Idaho. I will not divulge his name. He lives on 8^th & Vine.

Well, Mr. ^on$s,

Not exactly my best question, but I have the answers you seek. First, dogs are great to have around. They always know when a Vamp or Vampire-like creature is sulking about. Second, when things get tough and they will. I mean really tough, they are a great source of sustenance. Myself, I have no need or want for mangy mutts. For some reason dogs have never took to me. But I digress.

I would take a direct approach, never assume that the lady is being malicious. Maybe she is just oblivious. A lot of well meaning people don’t have self awareness. It’s a gift that few people have. I have it in spades, but you would be surprised by the amount of clueless, dumb-ass people there are out there. I would meet her at the edge of your yard, but stay in your yard. I can’t stress this enough. Always stay in your yard. Ask her kindly, gently. “Ma’am, I have noticed that your dog makes in my yard. Could you have your dog refrain from making in my yard?” I am sure she will see the error of her ways & have her dog do its business at the park. If not, lodge a complaint with your Covenant Controlled Community. No one wants a covenant violation. As for your neighbor across the street. Take no chances, kill him. Kill him now.

Thanks for the questions, yours,

Eugene > The Vampire Slayer <

Email me your questions, and I’ll reply on this website; the vamp Victor Thetherson isn’t the only one who can stick his hand up inside and make Harris Gray’s lips move.