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Eugene Vampire HunterEugene here. Cooling off from my slayer workout and training with he-who-will-not-be-named-until-I-learn-his-name. I see Harris Gray hasn’t packed it in, or upgraded their web security. They have lawyered up; yesterday I received a cease-and-desist letter from LegalZoom-dot-com. I guess this is the part where we stick our hands in each other’s pockets. They should know better than to raise the stakes against a vampire slayer, if you get my meaning.

Your e-mails have been flooding in, a sure sign that the vamp problem is only getting worse. And that you haven’t been reading Dear Abby. This next question is from a lady in Bismarck, ND.

From:
Sent: Weds April 3, 2:56 a.m.
To: Eugene TVS [EugeneTVS1@gmail.com]
Subject: Vermin, and stale love

Dear Eugene,

I really hope you rid the world of the vermin that have become an extreme nuisance on this planet. I have been following you for quite some time & find your tactics and your advice very helpful.
The issue I have is with my fiancé Walt. We have been together for 7 years now. The last three we have been engaged. We have no real plan on when we are to be married. When he first proposed, he had all these grandiose plans on where, when & how we would be married. But it has been three long engaged years. Walt keeps telling me it’s not time yet, that he wants our finances & our circumstances to be just right. Also, he never takes me out, his idea of a romantic evening is ordering in Dominoes pizza and playing HALO on-line. Never tells me he loves me. He stays out all night with his buddies. What should I do? I am at wits end!! I love him so much, but I feel like we are in a permanent holding pattern.

Your servant and admirer,

Jean

Jean,

Walt is playing you like a 3 dollar fiddle. He knows he can keep you around. Dangle the idea of getting married and keep you around even longer. Confront him, talk to him in very plain terms. “Walt, you know I love you & I know you love me, but we need to make a plan, a date to get married. If we wait for the perfect time, we will never be married.” I am sure that when Walt understands that you are not waiting for the perfect time, moment or finances; That you love him & want to be married; He will come to his senses and make a date, soon. As for the Dominos and the HALO. You are way off base, way off. Did you also mention that he stays out all night? He’s probably a vamp. Since you love him, a stake through the heart is the most painless death. But truly. Kill him, kill him now.

Yours,

Eugene > The Vampire Slayer <

p.s. You mentioned you have been following me for quite some time. Stop.

Got a problem with a vamp? Or your love life, finances, politicians, the undead, etc.? Email me, those that provide teaching moments will be answered here, whether the vamps’ stooges Harris Gray like it or not.

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