Eugene here. Cooling off from my slayer workout and training with he-who-will-not-be-named-until-I-learn-his-name. I see Harris Gray hasn’t packed it in, or upgraded their web security. They have lawyered up; yesterday I received a cease-and-desist letter from LegalZoom-dot-com. I guess this is the part where we stick our hands in each other’s pockets. They should know better than to raise the stakes against a vampire slayer, if you get my meaning.

Your e-mails have been flooding in, a sure sign that the vamp problem is only getting worse. And that you haven’t been reading Dear Abby. This next question is from a lady in Bismarck, ND.

Jean,

Walt is playing you like a 3 dollar fiddle. He knows he can keep you around. Dangle the idea of getting married and keep you around even longer. Confront him, talk to him in very plain terms. “Walt, you know I love you & I know you love me, but we need to make a plan, a date to get married. If we wait for the perfect time, we will never be married.” I am sure that when Walt understands that you are not waiting for the perfect time, moment or finances; That you love him & want to be married; He will come to his senses and make a date, soon. As for the Dominos and the HALO. You are way off base, way off. Did you also mention that he stays out all night? He’s probably a vamp. Since you love him, a stake through the heart is the most painless death. But truly. Kill him, kill him now.

Yours,

Eugene > The Vampire Slayer <

p.s. You mentioned you have been following me for quite some time. Stop.

Got a problem with a vamp? Or your love life, finances, politicians, the undead, etc.? Email me, those that provide teaching moments will be answered here, whether the vamps’ stooges Harris Gray like it or not.

So I guess by now you all know who I am. Eugene the vampire slayer. Ever since the vamps’ lackeys Harris Gray outed me as one of the most amazing slayers in the world, my life has not been the same. You people out there have inundated me with tons of questions. Phone calls, e-mails, texts, Skype, smoke signals, running me off the road. I can’t get any peace. So, I have given in and opened myself up to your questions about the undead, vamps, zombies, the world of finance, relationships. Whatever your query. I will answer. Like the e mail below from a dude in Boise, Idaho. I will not divulge his name. He lives on 8^th & Vine.

Well, Mr. ^on$s,

Not exactly my best question, but I have the answers you seek. First, dogs are great to have around. They always know when a Vamp or Vampire-like creature is sulking about. Second, when things get tough and they will. I mean really tough, they are a great source of sustenance. Myself, I have no need or want for mangy mutts. For some reason dogs have never took to me. But I digress.

I would take a direct approach, never assume that the lady is being malicious. Maybe she is just oblivious. A lot of well meaning people don’t have self awareness. It’s a gift that few people have. I have it in spades, but you would be surprised by the amount of clueless, dumb-ass people there are out there. I would meet her at the edge of your yard, but stay in your yard. I can’t stress this enough. Always stay in your yard. Ask her kindly, gently. “Ma’am, I have noticed that your dog makes in my yard. Could you have your dog refrain from making in my yard?” I am sure she will see the error of her ways & have her dog do its business at the park. If not, lodge a complaint with your Covenant Controlled Community. No one wants a covenant violation. As for your neighbor across the street. Take no chances, kill him. Kill him now.

Thanks for the questions, yours,

Eugene > The Vampire Slayer <

Email me your questions, and I’ll reply on this website; the vamp Victor Thetherson isn’t the only one who can stick his hand up inside and make Harris Gray’s lips move.